On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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