I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
