Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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