if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
