I just cut my nipple shaving
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
