Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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