one two three fourrrrnication!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
