Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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