I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
