she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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