good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
