You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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