so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
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Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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