she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
