Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
whose parrot is this?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
