Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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