Someone shit on the floor
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
