Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
