listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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