you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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