What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
