I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
