Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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