I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
