Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
