Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
