Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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