so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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