Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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