I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
