I wish I could punch you in the face.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
