I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
