I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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