Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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