YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
