I am midnight drunk by noon
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
