Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
