I didn't shave. On purpose
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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