she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well I just put wine in my tea
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
