i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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