have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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