Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
