Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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