We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
