best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
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I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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