Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What drink are we having for lunch?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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