Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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