You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
