R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
