Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
