I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
