the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
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When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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