Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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