he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
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So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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