his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
